Life becomes pointless when you don't have any goals.

It becomes really twisted the moment you graduate because you need to form your own goal. You do not have a time limit or number of years to achieve a certain goal you want to attain in life. It's like you form goals for yourself. You also give rewards to yourself. It's not like there is an achievement unlocked anymore. It's like you are now entering the survival mode. 

Life's really beyond a 4 years course. 

If you're not mentally prepared when you chose your course, if it was because of the so-called norm, or what people used to do and you think you have to do it because they are doing it... it's 50/50. And it sucks when you fall on the lower half. 

But then again. What would you do?

I just expressed my feelings to two important persons in my life. 

It is a mixture of happiness and tears. 

It's kind of sad that you won't be able to watch them forever. Like take them by your side and just watch them. Haha. But that bittersweet reality is something that makes you think about something, miss something, look forward for something, and believe that even though you are miles and miles and miles apart, you still have them. Someone to run to when a relationship goes bad or something. Haha! 

Don't know how to define this kind of love. But it is love and you can't really define it. 

:) 

Sometimes I wonder about friendship. Being clingy. Being attached. Wanting them to be yours forever. Feeling frustrated knowing the fact that one day, they'll not be by your side. Because they are already taking care of someone they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Yup. Partners. Girlfriends. Boyfriends. Sad truth. And then you will look at yourself. Realizing how far you are than them. Because all you ever wanted was to have fun. Was to play. Was to enjoy the moment. And they start to grow up. Oh Peter Pan. I don't want to grow up. It just saddens me that things are bound to change. 

Esports

I learned about eSports for League of Legends last year, due to constant searching on how to play the game. I somehow come across a video about Doublelift, an eSport player who actually has an interview on how he started on the sport. Through that interview, I became aware that there are teams formed up to contest with each other, just like what they do in Garena PH and other Asian teams. 

I became to like the team where Doublelift is. I have no idea how popular his team is however, I know for a fact that as an individual he is quite popular because of his back story. He concentrated in learning and practicing playing League and nevertheless gained the title of "Best AD Carry" 

Later on I finally got to know his team which is Counter Logic Gaming (CLG). Now this season's LCS is happening, I'm rooting for this team. First two games I watched them play they LOST. It was quite a disappointment although I didn't really back off from rooting them. 

Then after that I've watched 2 more games, in which they won - the only thing that went on my mind is that it doesn't matter if your bet lose as long as you keep on rooting them, the moment they win all you will do is be impressed! How I love that feeling. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKxIGpmbgxI 

It's probably the same feeling that people who has fans with other sports such as basketball or soccer. I can say is that eSports is fast growing because of the dedication RIOT puts in this MOBA, they are widening the options for people to choose where they really belong. 

Pain

I tried skipping pain medications and it was horrible. How do you manage yourself when you are in pain? A girl really has a tough job on this one. It's driving me nuts. My pain threshold is just so low when it comes to dysmenorrhea. It's an internal pain that's not sharp at stingy. It's like a crush from within which will make you crumble.

If the pain is from a cut or something, it doesn't affect your organs and way of walking. It stays outside. 

Internal pain is like coming from the core and out.

I always dare to say that I want my uterus be removed and I couldn't care less if I won't have babies. Screw womanhood this is just so painful! 

How to start

There are days in my life that I just want to shut myself from the world and only keep close contact with those who wants to be with me. 

Sometimes even those closest friends I don't want to see them for a reason of... "I just don't know" 

I am probably enveloped of some sort of insecurity and I don't want to fight it, I'm probably too helpless to fight it. I gave up before I even started. I don't want to waste my time arguing with myself. 

The moment my 7 months training ended, I went blank. There are a few pages scattered around for me to pile up and arrange into order. However, it's not that easy trying to chronologically organize them since there are no page numbers. Twisted, that is. 

I'm bad at starting. I am so bad at starting I'm beginning to accept that fact. And it scares me that perhaps, each waking day of my life I'll be procrastinating - because I begin to believe that I am one, and accept who I know I am. I tell my parents I don't know my plan. I tell my friends I'm not sure. I'm blocking creativity from my mind. I think my brain was banned from dreaming - and it will all root down to one notion: I'm bad at starting. 

There's no way words of other people might stick to my mind easily. I'm probably stubborn. The more someone nags me, the more I sit down and relax, watch them rage and look at how chill I live my life. But consistency is wicked. They may tell nonsense but given the time -- the month -- I've began to ponder. I've began to blog, started this post. 

My parents asks me, "What do you want to do". It's a fucking question. Simple but tricky. What comes in my mind when asked that, are things like, "work in the hospital, go abroad" I noticed that looking at the timeline -- it's futuristic. It's not a plan for today. And that stresses the hell out of me because it is destined for the future but it left blanks along the way. I know the endpoint although I don't know the directions, the path, or how to go there kind of things. 

My mind's so fucked up. 

Doesn't really know what it wants. 

Doesn't really focuses.

Easily distracted.

Easily get tired of things.

But I know.

That once I started, and once I finally figured out and adapt -- I'm a loyal Leo baby. 

Sidekick all the way!

Support from the bottom of my heart!

Service like no other!

Haha. 

I've also been kind of ignoring my parents. Because my mind is twisted. 

And you just don't know that there's a LOT of things going on there.

SO many now it is blank.

Holy Week is approaching
I'm gonna sing Hallelujah's
I am in need of a spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental recollection. 

Dear Lord, punch me in the crotch. 

Summary of the First

Profession
I got a fun, challenging, nerve-wrecking, sweat-provoking, daily butterflies in the stomach, random adrenaline release, kind of job.

Now I got to find a hospital that would accept my hunger for those kinds of feelings.
And of course a minimum wage is lovely.

Nursing Skills

I have almost used a penrose drain for tourniquet. I've inhaled streptococcous pneumoniae from not wearing a mask the first time I engaged into suctioning. I overdosed a patient with a 1.2g antibiotic instead of infusing 600g. I almost administered a wrong oral medication.

After those things I told myself, "Oh fucking shit, damn myself" 

From then on I use personal protective equipment properly, prepare drugs by myself, reread medication card x3. 

Skills gone positive. 

Urine

Post-op patients require Q1 input and output, Q2 vital signs. Pee is vital. It's like the 6th vital sign.

1. Temperature

2. Blood Pressure

3. Heart Rate

4. Respiratory Rate

5. Pain

6. Pee

Deal with it.

Accept it.

They need that milliliters of pee per hour. 

Without fail.  

IV Insertions

I know how it's done. I am licensed. 

One of the greatest challenges that makes me diaphoretic in an instant is not a deep vein, rather a statement that goes...

"...one shot lang ha"

And a stare through your eyes

And into your soul. 

Italicized para intense. 

Relatives > Patients

The greater than sign sums it up. 

You know why? Because patients are weak people. They want to rest, so they sleep. Relatives are panicky. They want to know, are they still on earth? I pour in all my understanding and put on my precious smile. 

Sometimes it just don't work and all you get is a voice box turned to full volume. 

It doesn't damage the eardrums, it damages the heart and fucks up the mind. 

Seriously. 

You got to deal with those kinds of creatures. 

However it's not always that kind of scenario. There are ones who are in their right state of mind. I'm thankful for them. 

At the end of the day we'll just remember who we are.
And because we are what we are, we extend our patience, have an open mind, understand what had happened and put it behind.

It's just a flow of emotion.
And something that flows doesn't return.

Like a river.
Yeah...

----------------------------------

My first experience was a space shuttle ride and an extreme ride (i.e. the rides in Enchanted Kingdom). 

It's horrifying.

Once you're looking at it, it is scary. Once you are riding it, it is scarier. Once it's moving or in its free fall, all you can do is to hang on. Because you chose to ride! And at the end of that ride, you feel satisfied. 

"I DID IT!" 

That one hell of a ride. 

Ayun.

SHET WALA NA ULIT AKONG TRABAHO. hahahahaha. watdapaks. 

It was fun
Having a feeling towards someone
You know it won't go beyond what you are feeling
But i'm just happy that i let it be
Enjoyed the moment
Breathe in love
And felt the joy of being appreciated.

what I like about waking up in the morning is the cold weather.
getting up from bed, boiling water for a cup of coffee, showering, getting dressed, walking to the main streed to have a jeepney ride. it's a warm fuzzy feeling inside despite the cold environment.

i don't know what i want in life but thinking about little things that makes me feel that i like to live extends my desire to be alive.