How to start

There are days in my life that I just want to shut myself from the world and only keep close contact with those who wants to be with me. 

Sometimes even those closest friends I don't want to see them for a reason of... "I just don't know" 

I am probably enveloped of some sort of insecurity and I don't want to fight it, I'm probably too helpless to fight it. I gave up before I even started. I don't want to waste my time arguing with myself. 

The moment my 7 months training ended, I went blank. There are a few pages scattered around for me to pile up and arrange into order. However, it's not that easy trying to chronologically organize them since there are no page numbers. Twisted, that is. 

I'm bad at starting. I am so bad at starting I'm beginning to accept that fact. And it scares me that perhaps, each waking day of my life I'll be procrastinating - because I begin to believe that I am one, and accept who I know I am. I tell my parents I don't know my plan. I tell my friends I'm not sure. I'm blocking creativity from my mind. I think my brain was banned from dreaming - and it will all root down to one notion: I'm bad at starting. 

There's no way words of other people might stick to my mind easily. I'm probably stubborn. The more someone nags me, the more I sit down and relax, watch them rage and look at how chill I live my life. But consistency is wicked. They may tell nonsense but given the time -- the month -- I've began to ponder. I've began to blog, started this post. 

My parents asks me, "What do you want to do". It's a fucking question. Simple but tricky. What comes in my mind when asked that, are things like, "work in the hospital, go abroad" I noticed that looking at the timeline -- it's futuristic. It's not a plan for today. And that stresses the hell out of me because it is destined for the future but it left blanks along the way. I know the endpoint although I don't know the directions, the path, or how to go there kind of things. 

My mind's so fucked up. 

Doesn't really know what it wants. 

Doesn't really focuses.

Easily distracted.

Easily get tired of things.

But I know.

That once I started, and once I finally figured out and adapt -- I'm a loyal Leo baby. 

Sidekick all the way!

Support from the bottom of my heart!

Service like no other!

Haha. 

I've also been kind of ignoring my parents. Because my mind is twisted. 

And you just don't know that there's a LOT of things going on there.

SO many now it is blank.

Holy Week is approaching
I'm gonna sing Hallelujah's
I am in need of a spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental recollection. 

Dear Lord, punch me in the crotch.